Trailing Males

When The Slingback Is On The Other Foot
By Jo Parfitt

For centuries women have accompanied their husbands abroad on overseas assignment with scarcely a murmur. Often braving heat, loneliness and separation from older children, these wives accepted their duties calmly. Over the last 30 years or so the challenges have changed and the numbers of expatriates increased. It is said that there are 50,000 American families in London alone. There is an increased awareness of the needs of the expatriate partner and a growth in the support services that exist to ease their nomadic lifestyle. But one of the biggest changes to have occurred in recent years is in the number of female expatriates who take their husbands along as the accompanying partner.

Tesco, the British supermarket chain, claim to have more female expatriates then men. Other companies state that between seven and 15 percent of their expatriate spouses are male. While women have been conditioned to take a back seat and concentrate on nurturing the working partner and children, for men this role change can be a huge challenge. Many of you will have heard the employed expatriate husband declare 'In my next life I'm going to be an expat wife', but imagine how he might feel if the slingback truly was on the other foot? Huw Francis, based in Northern France, and Mark Ridlen, based in Belgium, have done just that.

Huw Francis comes from Wales in the United Kingdom and has lived abroad for almost 10 years.

'We had been in Hong Kong for four years and my wife, Seonaid and I were both applying for jobs,' Huw recalls. 'We decided that whoever got the first good offer would accept and the other would stay at home. Seonaid got the short straw and got a job in Turkey.'

Huw found his transition to house-husband difficult back in 1996, but not because he had given up work. He was most frustrated by the opinions of other expatriates who could not accept that he could stay at home and look after the children. His wife found the role reversal equally difficult, finding it stressful being the breadwinner and seeing less of the children.

'The mothers of other pre-school children never could get used to the fact that I was a man and staying at home. A study of househusbands in Australia concluded that mothers found the idea of a man staying at home with children to be an assault on the last woman only job and resented the house-husbands for that. I think that would explain the general attitude. Meanwhile, men seemed to think I was letting the side down and not doing a real man's job. It took a long time for people to accept that we were doing this from choice,' he says.

More recently, Huw has become an author and journalist. His book Live and Work Abroad: A Guide for Modern Nomads was published by Vacation Work last year. He has now started work on a book about trailing males and is looking for a publisher. The addition of a portable career to his life has made all the difference.

'By having a real job it is easier for people to place me in an acceptable pigeon hole, rather than as the man who stays home to look after the kids and lives off his wife,' he says.

Huw has not taken advantage of any existing social networking clubs in order to make friends. Instead he has spent his time learning the local language and making friends with the locals. He has also enjoyed exploring each location thoroughly.

'It can be lonely when your partner is out and there are hardly any expatriates around to talk to,' he concludes. 'It is tiring looking after the kids when you are trying to work out how to do everything in a foreign language and find foods you can eat and ingredients you can use to cook a dinner your partner will want to eat. There is also the problem of trying to get used to the new domestic situation and people's reactions to it. However, there is a whole world out there waiting to be explored, we have friends from all over the world and our children will be bilingual. It's fun (most of the time).'

Mark Ridlen is an American, whose wife is employed by Eli Lilly and Co. They came to Brussels in 1999 with their three children and are now preparing to repatriate. He plans to retain his supporting role until they family is all settled again, he has supervised the building of their new home and he has found himself a rewarding new career. Before coming to Belgium, Mark was working as a National Bank Examiner with the Comptroller of the Currency.

'It was very difficult for me, despite knowing we made the right decision,' Mark recalls. 'I gave up a career that I was very happy with and had a great deal of security. My wife had received a promotion and has now received another. I don't necessarily mind the idea of being home, but the work is sometimes tedious and boring. I also feel that much of what I do is unnoticed and do not feel that I have always been appreciated for my sacrifices. I'm sure that these feelings are shared by most of the female spouses who stay at home.'

It is clear, that like the thousands of women in their position, men share the same opinion of their stay-at-home role. However, when it comes to making friends within the expatriate community and building a local support network, women have a distinct advantage. The American Women's Club in Brussels boasts more than 700 members. These clubs can be a lifeline to accompanying partners.

'Female trailing spouses have many more networks within which to operate. I have been quite frustrated at the lack of support for the male trailing spouse,' says Mark. 'You really have to work to find support and even then it can be inadequate.'

Interestingly, Brussels is one of very few places that has a special group for men, called Spouses Trailing Under Duress Successfully (STUDS). The group offers monthly lunches, a newsletter, activities based around exploring battlefields and history, brewery tours and an investment club. In addition to becoming a STUD Mark has also been employed as an international career consultant for US based Ricklin-Echikson Associates. Like many expatriate wives, he has kept himself busy with voluntary work. He is President of the Brussels Sports Association and helps with school and church activities.

'Boredom and loneliness have been my biggest problems. I have really missed the daily interaction I had with my former co-workers. Due to the dismal climate here I have often spent long days alone waiting for the family to return home. My other fear continues to be the challenge of re-entering the workforce. I no longer want to settle for just any job, but want one that is stimulating and allows me to grow. I hope that I will not be penalised for being out of the workforce for a few years,' he says.

Mark and Huw are just two examples of men who have chosen to accompany their employed wives on overseas assignments. Clearly, their views of the experience are not only similar to each other's, but also to those of traditional expatriate wives everywhere. Men too dislike giving up their career, being stuck in a rather mundane routine and having to battle with daily living despite a language barrier.

Last year, Australian psychologist and expatriate, Leonie Elphinstone, conducted a survey of male trailing spouses of seven different nationalities in 10 countries. She learned that many of her respondents had expected to find work in the new location and were then disappointed. To combat this, many embarked on a programme of study, volunteer work or a new hobby. Some admitted that they became seriously depressed abroad, having failed to anticipate the sense of pride and identity they had previously enjoyed through their careers.

Yet without exception no man regrets having the freedom that not being the breadwinner brings with it. All were delighted to have had the opportunity to be more involved with their children.

In conclusion, it can be argued that men and women face the same challenges when they adopt the domestic role in an overseas assignment. While years of conditioning cause women to accept their fate, the voice of the male is louder and firmer. Perhaps, after all the men are doing the women a favour? For, it is only by standing outside andlooking in, that we women can discover that not only do we empathise with the men in our position, but that we may begin to value the important part we play.

Huw Francis' book Live and Work Abroad can be ordered from http://www.vacationwork.co.uk Huw can be found at http://www.huwfrancis.com.

Mark Ridlen's article entitled Trailing Successfully can be found on http://www.womanabroad.com. Mark can be contacted at mark.ridlen@skynet.be

STUDS can be found on http://www.expataccess.com/social/studs.

Leonie Elphinstone can be contacted on leonieelphinstone@bigpond.com.au

Ricklin-Echiksen Associates can be found at http://www.r-e-a.com