Networking

Building Relationships
Joanna Parfitt explains why all expatriates need to work at making new friends on location.

'If Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy,' says Dr Anne Copeland, Director of The Interchange Institute in Brookline, MA. The Institute is involved with research studies that raise awareness of the issues surrounding expatriate assignment. Her recent study, entitled 'Many Women, Many Voices', reveals many of the causes of Mama's discontent while offering a variety of solutions.

While some would dispute that accompanying partners have any reason to be unhappy, with a good standard of living and the opportunity for travel among the benefits, Copeland has proof of the causes of discontent.

'Research has shown that women with strong social networks are usually physically and emotionally healthier than those who are isolated,' she says. 'But when she moves half way round the world she is hit triply hard. Firstly, she needs the support of friends more than ever because of all the changes she encounters. Secondly, she is now far away from those who know her best, and thirdly, she faces language and cultural barriers to making new friends.'

Copeland has discovered that it not the women who maintain close contact with their friends and family back home who adjust best, nor is it those who have a strong family unit on assignment. It is the women who make new friendships who adjust most easily to their new environments. And the way we make friends is by networking.

Networking
Mention the word 'networking' and many people raise their eyes to the ceiling as they conjure up pictures of brash, assertive types, thrusting business cards into palms of complete strangers. Believe me it should not be like that, particularly if it is to produce the desired outcome. I have learned to call it 'relationship building, 'connecting' or simply 'making new friends'.

Donna Messer is a Canadian who has built a business out of networking. A regular on the international speakers' circuit at conferences and for huge corporations, her businesses, Connect Us Canada and Business Tree simply facilitate connections between people and businesses. She starts many of her presentations with the words 'Hello, my name is Donna Messer, how may I help you?' For helping is what she does so well.

'Networking is not about handing out business cards,' she says. 'If you build the relationship first, get to know someone, and they like you, then they will ask you for your card. That's much better.'

Messer believes that the secret of good relationship building is to give presents. And she does not mean presents that cost money. For the nicest present you can give someone is simply the name of someone else who might be able to help them. For the newcomer to a community, the name of a good doctor, a cheap supermarket or a family restaurant can be the most welcome gift of all.

Where can you network?
Of course we don't need to join a professional organisation in order to start networking. It is just as easy to make friends in the school playground or supermarket queue. But sometimes we need a little help.

All over the world the American Women's Clubs thrive on helping newcomers to make friends, and while many of their meetings do involve cups of coffee and sticky cakes, they provde a service that is second to none. Many have offshoot groups for working women, mothers and toddlers, local history or travel. The umbrella organisation, the Federation of American Women's Clubs Overseas (FAWCO), is now in its 75th year and the number of associate member groups is growing.

I remember, back in the early nineties, living in Dubai with two young children and an oft-absent husband that the days seemed endless. It was then that I joined a group called Mother to Mother. Back then I did not think to class this volunteer group as a network, but that's what it was, of course. The monthly coffee mornings became a lifeline to me. There were lots of toys for the children and the chance for some adult conversation for me. But this group offered much more besides. There was a library of child-related books and videos available, offshoot groups that concentrated on, say breastfeeding or twins, and a series of grown-ups only events. I soon found myself editing the monthly newsletter, which led me to make new friends with those involved in editorial, events or photocopying. But it also led me to perfect my desktop publishing skills. When the children were off my hands I found myself teaching desktop publishing. The added value of such an organisation was clear.

In 1996 my family moved to Stavanger in Norway I experienced the benefits of networks within a day of arriving. My husband was working for Schlumberger, a large oilfield services provider, and their spouses' assocation (SSA) is wholly run by the spouses themselves on a voluntary basis. There are now over 60 chapters worldwide. It was January. My husband had gone to work and I was alone in our temporary apartment with the boys. Snow was falling outside the vast windows. Coming from the Middle East we were not equipped with snowsuits and boots so could not venture out to play. With only Cartoon Network for company, the day ahead looked bleak, until Ian would return with the company car and we could go and hunt for schools, somewhere to live and fur lined clothing. Then I received a phone call from Maureen who introduced herself as my appointed welcomer from the SSA. The next day she visited me in person armed with flowers and a welcome basket. Inside I found a local street map, newsletters from various local networks and information about pre-schools. I also had the luxury of a real live adult to bombard with questions about living in the land of the trolls. Importantly, I also received an invitation and the offer of a lift to the next SSA coffee morning. Despite having already spent ten years with Schlumberger in two different countries, this was the first time I had ever been able to meet with the wives of other employees.

Despite the poor quality of Norwegian coffee I was determined to make my first outing to the local FAWCO club too. It was there that I received the extra gifts I needed to make my life more contented. Within five minutes I had the number of a babysitter and discovered how good Norwegian pastries were. I also received a calendar of events for the year ahead and found out how to advertise the creative writing classes I hoped to run in their monthly newsletter.

My professional life has always been important to me and so I also joined a group for working women that called itself Women's International Network. Here I was able to attend a series of fascinating seminars, meet women who shared my passion for maintaining a portable career and learn new skills. In the true spirit of karma, I was soon giving my time back to the group producing the newsletter.

The Internet is another source of new friends. Sites such as ExpatExchange and ExpatAccess help you to connect with other expatriates in your new location even before you arrive. Try NewcomersClub to find out about existing networking groups too.

Magazines such as Expatrium, American in Britain and Woman Abroad tend to be written by and for expatriates. If you want to make new friends, try contacting the people who write or feature in these and other similar magazines.

For those who, like me, want to work while they are abroad, the best kind of networking starts with getting to know people. In time those people become friends and a handful become soulmates. Finally, if you are as passionate about your business as you are about making friends, then those friends become your clients too.

Create your own network
Before I learned how profitable existing networks could be, I had inadvertently been creating my own wherever I had been living. Writing was my passion back then and I needed to be around other creative people in order to be fulfilled. When I arrived in Dubai I decided to set up a Writer's Circle. It only involved writing a simple notice, asking people who might be interested to give me a call, and pinning it up on a few noticeboards. We held monthly meetings in each other's homes, kept things informal and made great friends. As so often happens with networks, those friends too became my soulmates, and ultimately clients, for as soon as I decided to offer a short creative writing course they all signed up.

After creating a Writers' Circle in Dubai, I went on to create one in Muscat and then Stavanger, but by the time we repatriated to England in 1997 I felt I had moved on. I was now more interested in business. So, I set up a women's business group, which now calls itself Women Connecting Women. Four years later it goes from strength to strength, and while I only ran it myself for the first year, I never miss a meeting.

Men and networks
Dr Copeland's research proved without doubt that local friendships are of vital importance on overseas assignment, particularly for the accompanying partner. Women are conditioned to accept that coffee mornings are part of life. Men are not. It can be difficult for a man to feel comfortable in such a group, particularly when he may be the only male in sight. So many of these great organisations are non-profit and run by volunteers but it is much harder for a man to feel comfortable about volunteering to serve teas. Ask him to run the local Boy Scout or football club and he will be much more at ease.

'Many of the problems men encounter are not dissimilar to those experienced by women,' says expatriate Australian Leonie Elphinstone, who recently conducted a survey into the male trailing spouse. 'What makes the difference is that men are brought up to be the breadwinners and when things go wrong they find they have further to fall.'

While men need to make new friends on location as much as women, they appear to feel happiest when their involvement is not too far removed from their comfort zone. Often the local squash club or playing in a local band will be the best place for them. On my travels I have known of two male accompanying partners who have become chairs of the school Parents' Association. But it is Darryl, the Australian Schlumberger spouse in Cambridge who most impressed me. He became appointed Social Secretary of the local SSA, purely because he enjoyed selecting great wines to take along to the meetings as much as the members enjoyed tasting them.

Darryl admits that he would be happier riding his bicycle or fishing rod, but is completely at ease in this female dominated world.

'I find it quite fascinating,' he says in his Australian drawl. 'Listening to the conversations is an eye-opener. I have introduced the spouses' group to the joys of cycling and, as Social Secretary, I get to ensure that we organise lots of cycling trips.'

Employees need networks too
Networks are vital for business, which is why people like Donna Messer find themselves talking about how and why to network to some of the largest multinational corporations in the world. You can have the best product in the world, but if you want to maximise sales potential you need to be liked by your clients. Relationship building is key to this. What is called The Old School Tie Network, is a frequent source of business for men, as is the golf course. Professional associations are also of value. A growing number of companies encourage networking among their own employees, and Sony Semiconductors runs monthly networking lunches with a visiting speaker to this end. With the retention of key staff a major objective for the employer, it makes sense to facilitate relationship building and true friendships between colleagues. This influences staff motivation and morale, and, ultimately the bottom line.

If Mama ain't happy
Networks make a difference to both the employee and the accompanying partner because they build relationships. And the relationships we make, whether we work or not, affect the employing company's bottom line. If Mama ain't happy, then she's not going to want to stay abroad, is she? Think about it.

Find out more about the Interchange Institute on http://www.interchangeinstitute.org/.

Find out more about Donna Messer at http://www.connectuscanada.com and http://www.businesstree.com.

Make friends through http://www.expatexchange.com, and http://www.newcomersclub.com.

Find out more about FAWCO on http:// www.fawco.org.